23-Oct-2015 13:08

Dating too early after divorce

My friend, “Abby,” recently met a guy online, “Stan.” Abby fell hard and fast for Stan. Abby never had good sex with her ex-husband and he was the only man she’d ever slept with until her divorce was final. Stan (according to him) never had good sex with his ex-wife either. By Tuesday afternoon, she broke down and texted him. She was angry with herself for sleeping with Stan so quickly, upset with his disappearing act, and tired of obsessing about it.

I knew the look on Abby’s face well, having experienced it with a few men myself. But, on the other hand, I wanted to caution her– this could very easily end up not going so well. Heck, she didn’t know how to communicate with him either. [Recent — Where Passion Meets Business, ‘Live in the Vineyard’]First, Abby blocked Stan’s profile. Abby said she certainly deserved more than silence.And, if they had, would that have led to a relationship that mattered? Thank goodness we hadn’t had sex yet, I thought almost immediately. As Wendy and I were still talking, Dan was calling on the other line. I do know that if I have sex with a man I’ve just met, I can’t expect for the relationship to progress.It took her a bit to answer but when she did, it was a big “yes.” (Now how and when to have that first Big Conversation is a whole other topic! After about ten minutes, I realized he was your Dan. If I’m up for a one night stand (and that’s really not my thing), then whatever. As tempting as it may be, hopping in bed early on just doesn’t feel right. And, even if it’s not, it stops the open communication when it’s perhaps most critical. )Several years ago, before I married my now ex-husband, I started dating Dan. A few weeks later, I was at work and got a call from my friend, Wendy. I promise you that I got off the phone right away and I will never date him.”My heart stopped. It was that “I don’t even know what’s going on around me because the only thing that matters is this guy I’m with” gaze. The problem is, who wants to be cautious when it’s so dang fun to just enjoy falling head over heels? Next, she called Stan and ended their semi-dating relationship. He said that he didn’t know he was supposed to be calling her every day, and apologized. If Stan was really into her, he would naturally want to talk or text her every day. Maybe, but without having that conversation prior, who knows? The next time we saw each other, we had the best night of sex in my entire life.If there was a fire in the kitchen, I don’t think Abby would have noticed (or cared).[Read — Maria Shriver, “Are You Lonely? Two days later, Abby joined me for my morning coffee run. Certainly they were on two different planets and Abby wasn’t up for the “relationship” on Stan’s terms. After their conversation, Abby blocked Stan from calling or texting her again, too. At least she would no longer be staring at her phone all day wondering why the hell Stan wasn’t contacting her. I waited hours and hours while I thought about what I should say or do. We talked for a very long time defining what “we” were and where we were going as a couple. Our commitment talk made all the difference for me.

All day, silence from Stan–not a single text or phone call.

He was perfect for her and Abby had high hopes for their future.[Watch — Maria Shriver interviews Nicole Kidman for NBC’s Today]That pure excitement and happiness was short-lived.

If they had kept it casual, if they hadn’t already had sex, then most likely, a casual and slow dating pace would have been perfectly fine. She had learned an important lesson: no more (almost) immediate sex with a guy she might actually like. We never had “that conversation” so technically he had done nothing wrong. I let myself go in ways I never had before and it was mind-blowingly amazing.

From here going forward “the conversation” and a real relationship would come before the physical part.[Check Out — Are You the Victim or the Villain? Had we already had sex before the entire “Wendy-incident?

]So my Big Question for Abby was this: If she had waited to have sex with Stan, would it have changed their outcome? ” I’m not sure our new relationship would have survived it.

If there had been no amazing passionate love making on Date 4, would they have continued dating? I have not mastered when “the right time” is to move forward with the physical stuff.

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